stuff

http://imbound.blogspot.com/2004/12/help.html

A very illuminating blog post. I can see myself being diagnosed as borderline, being put on more antipsychotics, and never really understanding what goes on in my head. This might not be what would happen. If I was diagnosed with BPD, I'd get to go to the centre for psychotherapy and be in a really good program. But, I have to be currently self harming to get into the program. I'm not going to self harm just so I can get in! That's the thing, I don't self harm much at all. So really, I'd be left with seeing some psychologist once every 3 weeks and trying to convince the psychiatrist to put me on something other than antipsychotics.

Right now I'm thinking, how could I possibly be borderline when on a day like today I am completely fine? Not elated, irritable, depressed, sad, lonely, empty, or even agitated. There are plenty of things I could feel crap about. I go through quite long periods of doing really well, and being completely stable.

I will definitely not accept a diagnsosis that I don't agree with. There are a few options for if it comes to it and I need a second opinion, most of which are in sydney and cost more money: the good mood clinic, the black dog insitute, insight psychology, the hills clinic, the lawson clinic, wesley hospital.

All of these would need a GP referral for the medicare rebate, but I could call and ask them all how long the waiting list is and then decide which one to go with.

There are also more psychologists in newcastle. There are 3 places I can call that use medicare. I'm just going to have to be persistent in finding the right treatment.

I think that for some periods of time I fit the diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder, but it's not a constant in my life. I can sometimes relax and forget my troubles.

I'm worried about uni and whether I should drop the cognitive psych course. I just really haven't done enough, and it's the end of semester. I don't think I really have the time now to do everything I need to pass this course. It's difficult, because it's the last course I need to finish my first degree. I just need to be realistic about it, though. Could I complete an assignment and study for the exam in 3 weeks, as well as do the assignment and study for abnormal psych? Maybe. I just don't know! And I'm worried about what will happen if I don't complete the course. It will be another time I'm failing, and another opportunity missed to finish this degree. I have had such a hard time, though, and it's been such a struggle. I've been going through depression, anxiety, agitation and med changes. I haven't had any consistent treatment at all. If I don't have this degree I don't mind so much, I guess it's more about what other people will think. People will think I have failed yet again. Or maybe not, maybe they will understand that I've been having a hard time. Maybe it doesn't matter as much as I think it does, since it is my life and everything. I'm living completely independently, so I don't exactly need to rely on other people, so what they think shouldn't really matter.

I guess I always worry that everything will fall apart if things don't go to plan. Maybe it was unrealistic to try to do more than one subject in the first place. I knew I was in a bad place. Going back to uni was a good way to get me out of depression, but too much is too much. Maybe not much for someone else is too much for me right now.

So, what if I drop the course? What if I won't be graduating soon? Maybe I shouldn't focus so much on the what ifs. Or the shoulds, for that matter. I could just take it as it comes. I could focus on completing the abnormal psych course, and doing well. I've already got an HD for the first assignment, imagine if I did really well overall in the course? I suspect I will since I already know so much from my own research. If I can just focus on the one course I could do so much better. I have plenty of time to complete other courses.

So, looking at this non-judgementally, I started off doing 3 courses, stuff got in the way, and I ended up completing one course. That's not really so bad.

Things happen. Most of the time they are neither all good nor all bad. This is a good thing for me to learn, I think.