My current state

I'm back to feeling as agitated as I was before abilify. I feel kind of elated, though. I wish I could work on my assignment, but I can't focus. My mind is too crowded. I feel like doing things, not sitting here in the library. I have what they call psychomotor agitation, I think. Leg jiggling. Writing calms me down. I feel disjointed. I don't quite feel safe with so many people around me.

I experienced such a rush of euphoria while I was exercising this morning. I embraced it. I woke up at 3am but I feel energised. Part of it must be a lack of sleep, and because I went to the gym this morning. I think sleep deprivation and exercise can make me more energised or agitated.

I guess I also feel anxious in this agitated state. Maybe it's still the after-effects of abilify, but it's different somehow. I feel clear. My mind is clear yet it is crowded. It doesn't really make much sense. I feel like I'm slipping into insanity.

For hypomania, "the change in functioning for some individuals may take the form of a marked increase in efficiency, accomplishments, or creativity. However, for others, hypomania can cause some social or occupational impairment."

Occupational impairment... does that include not being able to study?

I'm a lot more efficient at some things in this state, like exercising and writing. I can't write anything to do with my assignment, though. I don't feel that worried about uni at the moment. I feel that all will be well, unless of course I can't calm down.

Sometimes I feel this rush that reminds me of the effects of ecstasy.

Anyway, I feel like I can't calm down or slow down at the moment. I feel sort of like I've taken stimulants.

I have intrusive and vivid thoughts. I've always had those. I sometimes feel paranoid in public. My extreme fears/phobias seem to come from intrusive, vivid thoughts. They're not so much phobias, because they are fears about situations I don't actually find myself in. Situations that will probably never happen to me. They are more like obsessions. I can imagine such horrible things happening. The first thing was just death in general, when I was very young. I felt I could imagine what death would be like. I guess this what at an age when I didn't really understand death. I thought of it as unconsciousness, and then I associated sleep with death and sleep seemed scary sometimes. I also pictured the end of the world. That was an obsession for me, for a long time I think. It started when I was around ten. It may have been related to the religious ideas I'd been exposed to. I thought about it all the time, and it scared the crap out of me. Then, in 2008 I became obsessed with my fears of flying and surgery. I knew I didn't have any plane trips or surgery coming up (I've never even had surgery), but I thought about it a lot. I pictured these bad things happening.