DBT

I really like the idea of radical acceptance, and it's a technique I found myself using before I'd heard of it. For example, it's 1am and I'm awake after a few hours of sleep. After years of having problems with insomnia, I gradually stopped fighting it. If I can't sleep, I can't sleep. It usually doesn't kill me. Getting angry and frustrated over not being able to sleep definitely doesn't help. Focussing on something else for a while and seeing that if I don't sleep now, I will most likely sleep later, does help.

I guess not having a job makes it easier, as does being on abilify and having extra energy. When I knew I had to get up early for work, I used to get really anxious if I couldn't sleep. That's got to be the least helpful possible reaction.

Tonight I kept waking up, thinking of someone breaking into my house. I feel in a constant state of hypervigilance. I've been through this before. I wonder "why now?", though. Why, when I've found a medcation that seems to reduce my depression symptoms am I more anxious? I think that any medication that gives you so much energy is probably not going to do much for your anxiety. But, it's not a good reason to stop the medication. I would still have a problem with anxiety if I weren't taking it.

One of the reasons I'm so interested in DBT is because it was created for people who don't respond to other therapies like CBT. I think I'm a good client, one that is not difficult to deal with. I listen, I learn, I do my homework. I would never say anything mean to a therapist. I don't know them well enough, and I tend to idealise them anyway. Not to the extent that I would become attached, but I do tend to expect certain things of the therapist. If these expectations are broken I usually blame myself. Otherwise, I might decide that I'm just not comfortable with the therapist. I would never ever ever disrupt the therapeutic relationship. I might be too nice, trying to avoid not-so-nice topics like self harm and suicidal thoughts.

The only time I can be mean is in a relationship where I am sure that I'm completely accepted by the person. I don't ever have the urge to do or say anything mean to anyone, unless I'm taking some emotion out on my boyfriend. That's usually how it is. I wouldn't be able to do that to anyone else. It's not just that I'm completely accepted by him, I also know that he can take it. I don't think I've been so mean since I was much younger and I had my little outbursts. Most of my adult life, if someone made me angry I suppressed the hell out of that anger. When I was in high school I was more a fan of the cold shoulder method. I used that a lot as well in my first long-term relationship. I didn't know what else to do. At least now I talk about my feelings. I just express them in the wrong way sometimes.

Exercise and alcohol saved me from anger and a multitude of other negative emotions in 2006/2007. I thought I was doing well in those years, but maybe I was just doing well enough for my coping strategies to work. I drank socially, I did everything socially. Except for exercise, that was something that was for me. It's such an important part of mental health, I think. Exercise sure does make you feel good, unless you're depressed. That's how it seems to be for me anyway. If exercise works as a treatment for depression then it must take a while for the effects to kick in. I sometimes felt worse after attempting to exercise. Going for a walk made me see how desolate the world was. Depression is full of D words: desolate, dull, deformed, destitute, dreary, dismal, deserted, devoid, dismay, drab, devastating, deprived, depraved... I could probably come up with more.

DBT prioritises self harm as a behaviour to reduce, but the one I most want to reduce is binge eating. I don't do it to extremes, but it would help me so much if I had some control over my eating. Not full control, but not a loss of control either. I want to be able to eat just as much as I actually want to eat. I want to be able to stop eating when I don't feel hungry anymore. I want to eat sweets and savour them, not satisfy some intense urge that makes me feel out of control. I want to eat without that feeling of guilt. I want to see food for what it really is: a source of energy for my body. I want to be able to stop eating earlier without it feeling uncomfortable. Maybe that last one is asking a bit too much, but I'm hoping that with practice, eating normally will be normal to me.

I guess I could start by trying to stick to a meal plan and then writing down how I feel, and coming up with some self soothing activities. Right now I actually feel hungry but I still don't know if I "should" eat. Maybe I should make it a goal to eat when I'm hungry, and to not eat when I'm not hungry. Maybe the feelings of guilt will go away.

I spend a great deal of time and energy thinking about whether or not I should eat, whether or not I should stop eating, whether or not what I'm eating is "healthy", how many calories I might be eating etc. The difficult thing is that I want to change my eating habits while at the same time thinking about food less. How can I remember to work towards my goal without thinking about food? The more I try to change my eating behaviours, the more obsessed I become with food, and the more I just want to eat but try to stop myself.

I usually have those two things working against each other: I want to eat and I also want to stop myself.

The observant mind...

Here I'm going to practise being oberservant, not evaluative...

I'm lying on my stomach, diagonally across my bed. It's a double bed, and the covers have slipped off the corner. I have three pillows around me, one with a sea theme, a green one and one that I can't see. The walls are white, and in the corner where they meet there is a quarter cylinder. One wall is painted brick. The other is smooth, but has some dents and smudges. The fan heater is behind me, switched off. The blanket is squashed up at the bottom of the bed. I'm wearing socks, pyjama pants and a jumper. The jumper is black and has a hood. The pyjama pants are blue with pictures of red hummers.

ok, I think that's enough for now. I have to say there's something relaxing about observing without judgement. I tried some "autogenic" relaxation earlier as well. I haven't used relaxation techniques in a while. They used to help; I especially liked taking a hot bath and gazing at a candle. It's hard to remember to try these things when under emotional distress. I might make a list of things I can try:

guided relaxation
hot or cold shower
gazing at a candle
write - describe my surroundings
practise doing something mindfully e.g. brushing teeth
pay attention to my breathing
write - describe a more complex situation without evaluating it

I might try the last one now...

Today I had breakfast at APK. We sat down, read the menus, ordered and an hour later we got our food. The breakfast pizza had tomato sauce, cubes of bacon and cheese. In the centre were mushrooms and on top were two fried eggs. The yolk was bright yellow. I ate about 2/3 of the meal. My coffee was in a mug, and had chocolate powder on top. There was a small, light brown hair on top of the pizza. There were about 5 full tables when we got there, and about 10 when we left. There was one waitress. She had pimples on her cheeks, covered with makeup. She walked past us about once every 30 seconds. There was a salt shaker on our table, with a few grains of rice in it. There was no sugar or pepper. There was a breakfast menu on our table with a drinks menu on the back. I took a menu from another table which had more drinks on it. Milkshakes were $5.50 and thickshakes were $6.50. I ordered a thickshake. I got a tall metal milkshake cup with a frothy brown liquid in it. It was a mixture of milk, ice cream and chocolate syrup. I asked the waitress to put more ice cream in it for me. I got another tall metal milkshake cup with frothy brown liquid in it. It was a combination of milk, ice cream and chocolate syrup. The total cost of two breakfasts, two thickshakes and a coffee was $48.

ok, enough of that. I think I managed to write observantly, which made it hard to express my disgust at the service. It's good in that it doesn't evoke any emotional response, which makes me feel quite calm. I was horrendously depressed after breakfast because I'd had to part with almost $50 for a pretty crap experience. I even decided to never go to a cafe again.

So, it's been quite a progression of emotions today. Started out happy, relaxed. Shifted to very depressed after breakfast. Then very anxious after seeing a friend. Then depressed and anxious. Then back to just plain depressed. Now, I'm more relaxed and content. This may be why I've always had trouble trying to use a mood tracker. How can I possibly rate my mood on a number scale when there are so many more dimensions to my mood?