DBT

I really like the idea of radical acceptance, and it's a technique I found myself using before I'd heard of it. For example, it's 1am and I'm awake after a few hours of sleep. After years of having problems with insomnia, I gradually stopped fighting it. If I can't sleep, I can't sleep. It usually doesn't kill me. Getting angry and frustrated over not being able to sleep definitely doesn't help. Focussing on something else for a while and seeing that if I don't sleep now, I will most likely sleep later, does help.

I guess not having a job makes it easier, as does being on abilify and having extra energy. When I knew I had to get up early for work, I used to get really anxious if I couldn't sleep. That's got to be the least helpful possible reaction.

Tonight I kept waking up, thinking of someone breaking into my house. I feel in a constant state of hypervigilance. I've been through this before. I wonder "why now?", though. Why, when I've found a medcation that seems to reduce my depression symptoms am I more anxious? I think that any medication that gives you so much energy is probably not going to do much for your anxiety. But, it's not a good reason to stop the medication. I would still have a problem with anxiety if I weren't taking it.

One of the reasons I'm so interested in DBT is because it was created for people who don't respond to other therapies like CBT. I think I'm a good client, one that is not difficult to deal with. I listen, I learn, I do my homework. I would never say anything mean to a therapist. I don't know them well enough, and I tend to idealise them anyway. Not to the extent that I would become attached, but I do tend to expect certain things of the therapist. If these expectations are broken I usually blame myself. Otherwise, I might decide that I'm just not comfortable with the therapist. I would never ever ever disrupt the therapeutic relationship. I might be too nice, trying to avoid not-so-nice topics like self harm and suicidal thoughts.

The only time I can be mean is in a relationship where I am sure that I'm completely accepted by the person. I don't ever have the urge to do or say anything mean to anyone, unless I'm taking some emotion out on my boyfriend. That's usually how it is. I wouldn't be able to do that to anyone else. It's not just that I'm completely accepted by him, I also know that he can take it. I don't think I've been so mean since I was much younger and I had my little outbursts. Most of my adult life, if someone made me angry I suppressed the hell out of that anger. When I was in high school I was more a fan of the cold shoulder method. I used that a lot as well in my first long-term relationship. I didn't know what else to do. At least now I talk about my feelings. I just express them in the wrong way sometimes.

Exercise and alcohol saved me from anger and a multitude of other negative emotions in 2006/2007. I thought I was doing well in those years, but maybe I was just doing well enough for my coping strategies to work. I drank socially, I did everything socially. Except for exercise, that was something that was for me. It's such an important part of mental health, I think. Exercise sure does make you feel good, unless you're depressed. That's how it seems to be for me anyway. If exercise works as a treatment for depression then it must take a while for the effects to kick in. I sometimes felt worse after attempting to exercise. Going for a walk made me see how desolate the world was. Depression is full of D words: desolate, dull, deformed, destitute, dreary, dismal, deserted, devoid, dismay, drab, devastating, deprived, depraved... I could probably come up with more.

DBT prioritises self harm as a behaviour to reduce, but the one I most want to reduce is binge eating. I don't do it to extremes, but it would help me so much if I had some control over my eating. Not full control, but not a loss of control either. I want to be able to eat just as much as I actually want to eat. I want to be able to stop eating when I don't feel hungry anymore. I want to eat sweets and savour them, not satisfy some intense urge that makes me feel out of control. I want to eat without that feeling of guilt. I want to see food for what it really is: a source of energy for my body. I want to be able to stop eating earlier without it feeling uncomfortable. Maybe that last one is asking a bit too much, but I'm hoping that with practice, eating normally will be normal to me.

I guess I could start by trying to stick to a meal plan and then writing down how I feel, and coming up with some self soothing activities. Right now I actually feel hungry but I still don't know if I "should" eat. Maybe I should make it a goal to eat when I'm hungry, and to not eat when I'm not hungry. Maybe the feelings of guilt will go away.

I spend a great deal of time and energy thinking about whether or not I should eat, whether or not I should stop eating, whether or not what I'm eating is "healthy", how many calories I might be eating etc. The difficult thing is that I want to change my eating habits while at the same time thinking about food less. How can I remember to work towards my goal without thinking about food? The more I try to change my eating behaviours, the more obsessed I become with food, and the more I just want to eat but try to stop myself.

I usually have those two things working against each other: I want to eat and I also want to stop myself.