the spectrum of polar bears

:) :) :) this is not how happy I feel, but maybe looking at the smiley icons can calm me down a little. Like the theory that smiling can actually make you feel happier.

I should probably start tracking my moods. Maybe I can use white polar bears and black polar bears. Today I'd give myself one black polar bear. Maybe two. I don't want to kill myself today. I'm thinking about the future, even if apprehensively so. It's more the anxiety getting me down today, so maybe I should use separate scales for depression, elation and anxiety. I could throw in another one for suicidality. Agitation vs retardation. Sleep time and quality. Alcohol, caffeine cigarettes. I could record my entire life. I'm an all-or-nothing person, and the all seems too extreme, too much to go through every single day. I need to find an easy way to record the important things. I don't do well with number scales. How do you choose a number? Choosing is even harder when depressed! I can spend hours trying to decide whether or not I'm going to buy a newspaper that costs a dollar, so how can I choose between 3, 5, or even 10 numbers? A graphic or verbal representation might work better. A verbal scale could be something like: crappy, double crappy, death wish. The polar bears thing could be the graphic representation of my mood. Either way, I'm using a 3-point scale which can be conveniently converted to a number.

So, today I feel crappy. But this morning I felt fine. Ish. Fine-ish. Verbal scale for elation: fine-ish, fine, happy. I don't know if I ever get past "happy", but I do get overexcited, sometimes restless. Let's call fine-ish the midline of my mood range, neither depressed nor elated. The elation scale can then be fine, happy, awesome.

So, when I woke up at 11am I was fine-ish, now, at 3pm I feel crappy.

Anxious, double anxious, or freaking out? I'd say anxious. Just a feeling floating around my mind that I have things to worry about.

Agitation? yes (in the form of jiggling feet and legs, nail biting). Tired? yes. Mentally or physically slowed? no.

Sleep? 10 hours or so. I didn't have too much trouble falling or staying asleep.

There! I did it. I recorded the important information about my mood state today.