:) :) :) this is not how happy I feel, but maybe looking at the smiley icons can calm me down a little. Like the theory that smiling can actually make you feel happier.
I should probably start tracking my moods. Maybe I can use white polar bears and black polar bears. Today I'd give myself one black polar bear. Maybe two. I don't want to kill myself today. I'm thinking about the future, even if apprehensively so. It's more the anxiety getting me down today, so maybe I should use separate scales for depression, elation and anxiety. I could throw in another one for suicidality. Agitation vs retardation. Sleep time and quality. Alcohol, caffeine cigarettes. I could record my entire life. I'm an all-or-nothing person, and the all seems too extreme, too much to go through every single day. I need to find an easy way to record the important things. I don't do well with number scales. How do you choose a number? Choosing is even harder when depressed! I can spend hours trying to decide whether or not I'm going to buy a newspaper that costs a dollar, so how can I choose between 3, 5, or even 10 numbers? A graphic or verbal representation might work better. A verbal scale could be something like: crappy, double crappy, death wish. The polar bears thing could be the graphic representation of my mood. Either way, I'm using a 3-point scale which can be conveniently converted to a number.
So, today I feel crappy. But this morning I felt fine. Ish. Fine-ish. Verbal scale for elation: fine-ish, fine, happy. I don't know if I ever get past "happy", but I do get overexcited, sometimes restless. Let's call fine-ish the midline of my mood range, neither depressed nor elated. The elation scale can then be fine, happy, awesome.
So, when I woke up at 11am I was fine-ish, now, at 3pm I feel crappy.
Anxious, double anxious, or freaking out? I'd say anxious. Just a feeling floating around my mind that I have things to worry about.
Agitation? yes (in the form of jiggling feet and legs, nail biting). Tired? yes. Mentally or physically slowed? no.
Sleep? 10 hours or so. I didn't have too much trouble falling or staying asleep.
There! I did it. I recorded the important information about my mood state today.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
on a more serious note...
As the name suggests, this blog is about the experiences of a mental health consumer. I find the term interesting. We are no longer called patients. I suppose this is supposed to reduce stigma, and it does make sense. After all, I would love to consume all the mental health that I possibly can. After struggling with my mind for so long, I've come to accept that there is no quick fix or magic cure for the problems I have. I've been told this many times, but I never really accepted it. I always thought that with the "right" treatment, I would get better. I thought that I shouldn't have to deal with these problems. It's not surprising that I thought these things. We're told that antidepressants "work". We're told that people with depression get better with treatment. Maybe that is true for some people. However, antidepressants don't work in the way we're told they do. It is still unclear how they "work", and whether they have any antidepressant effect other than the placebo effect. For me, they have made no noticeable difference to my life.
So, I continue to cycle in and out of depression. I fell back in hard a few days ago. It's amazing how it takes over my mind. One day I have friends, goals, hobbies, whatever else a normal person has to live for. The next day I'm alone with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Plus, no future in which I might have such things. It's very real. There is no point to anything. I desperately need a friend but I can't connect with anyone. I desperately want help but I can't find a way to communicate what I need, whatever that is. I wonder how I ever enjoyed simple things like reading or watching a movie. I can't get involved or engaged in things. What am I doing with my life? Oh, that's right, I want to study psychology. But why? What is the point? There's no point, I won't get any enjoyment from that at all. Where will it lead? More study, eventually getting a job, so I can afford to live. Ah, but why live? Most people want a job that is fulfilling. So do I, but how do you get this fulfillment when you're depressed?
Ok, so all this seems very real when I'm depressed. But do I truly believe all these things? I do, in the sense that I can't imagine any alternative, and it seems to me that these things will be true if I continue to be depressed. Certainly, a depressed person can't imagine not being depressed. What a pickle. If I could imagine my future undepressed self, I could still have goals and look forward to future enjoyment. I might even believe that yes, I do have friends, they are just not here right now.
So what do you do when you're so depressed that you can't do anything? I decided it was time to accept the fact that depression isn't going to go away like the common cold does (who was it that first came up with the ridiculous idea that depression is the "common cold" of mental illness??). I have to treat depression like a disability. It sounds depressing doesn't it? Yes. But apparently depression is the leading cause of disability in Australia. Which I've decided means that I can use disabled toilets. Probably not disabled parking spots though, since walking is good for depression, and I don't have a car anyway.
What do I do now that I've realised I'm disabled? I suppose I have to figure out what my limitations are. It also might be good to follow a proper treatment plan for my illness. Here's a list of things I've heard are good for depressed people, plus some that I thought of myself (go me!) :
- uhh... exercise... (yeah they keep going on about this one, I'll have to find something that doesn't make me want to kill myself even more)
- alcohol (oops, I mean no alcohol. damn.)
- setting daily schedules (I never thought I would actually do this... but I really might have to)
- cleaning
- cooking healthy food
- writing/blogging
- listening to music
- keeping in touch with friends
- keeping a mood diary
- sticking to my medication schedule
- keeping appointments with doctors and therapists
- organising my finances
- volunteering
- having my own space, and time to myself
- showering (yes, showering)
- sticking to a sleep schedule
- getting out of bed/dressed/out of the house before a certain time
- making plans to do.... things... that are fun
- remind myself of things I enjoy doing when not depressed, and keep doing them
- get as much support as possible from other people
- setting and achieving small goals
- telling people what I need/asking for help
- self-soothing activities (music definitely works, but I suppose candles and bubble baths are good too. I'm not willing to touch my bath, so long hot showers will have to do)
- meditation/breathing exercises
So there. Good night.
So, I continue to cycle in and out of depression. I fell back in hard a few days ago. It's amazing how it takes over my mind. One day I have friends, goals, hobbies, whatever else a normal person has to live for. The next day I'm alone with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Plus, no future in which I might have such things. It's very real. There is no point to anything. I desperately need a friend but I can't connect with anyone. I desperately want help but I can't find a way to communicate what I need, whatever that is. I wonder how I ever enjoyed simple things like reading or watching a movie. I can't get involved or engaged in things. What am I doing with my life? Oh, that's right, I want to study psychology. But why? What is the point? There's no point, I won't get any enjoyment from that at all. Where will it lead? More study, eventually getting a job, so I can afford to live. Ah, but why live? Most people want a job that is fulfilling. So do I, but how do you get this fulfillment when you're depressed?
Ok, so all this seems very real when I'm depressed. But do I truly believe all these things? I do, in the sense that I can't imagine any alternative, and it seems to me that these things will be true if I continue to be depressed. Certainly, a depressed person can't imagine not being depressed. What a pickle. If I could imagine my future undepressed self, I could still have goals and look forward to future enjoyment. I might even believe that yes, I do have friends, they are just not here right now.
So what do you do when you're so depressed that you can't do anything? I decided it was time to accept the fact that depression isn't going to go away like the common cold does (who was it that first came up with the ridiculous idea that depression is the "common cold" of mental illness??). I have to treat depression like a disability. It sounds depressing doesn't it? Yes. But apparently depression is the leading cause of disability in Australia. Which I've decided means that I can use disabled toilets. Probably not disabled parking spots though, since walking is good for depression, and I don't have a car anyway.
What do I do now that I've realised I'm disabled? I suppose I have to figure out what my limitations are. It also might be good to follow a proper treatment plan for my illness. Here's a list of things I've heard are good for depressed people, plus some that I thought of myself (go me!) :
- uhh... exercise... (yeah they keep going on about this one, I'll have to find something that doesn't make me want to kill myself even more)
- alcohol (oops, I mean no alcohol. damn.)
- setting daily schedules (I never thought I would actually do this... but I really might have to)
- cleaning
- cooking healthy food
- writing/blogging
- listening to music
- keeping in touch with friends
- keeping a mood diary
- sticking to my medication schedule
- keeping appointments with doctors and therapists
- organising my finances
- volunteering
- having my own space, and time to myself
- showering (yes, showering)
- sticking to a sleep schedule
- getting out of bed/dressed/out of the house before a certain time
- making plans to do.... things... that are fun
- remind myself of things I enjoy doing when not depressed, and keep doing them
- get as much support as possible from other people
- setting and achieving small goals
- telling people what I need/asking for help
- self-soothing activities (music definitely works, but I suppose candles and bubble baths are good too. I'm not willing to touch my bath, so long hot showers will have to do)
- meditation/breathing exercises
So there. Good night.
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