cigarettes

I've been smoking a lot. I feel elevated, and agitated. I've started tracking my moods on moodtracker.com and posting on the forum there. It's good to just talk to people I don't know. It's liberating. I finally feel like I have some support!

There is just a hint of anxiety as well. It's hard to separate it from the agitation. I feel like I can crap on and sometimes can't stop myself from saying something. I have the urge to just write, or do something. I'm waiting for my psychiatrist appointment. I'm sitting outside in the cold at uni, just waiting until I can catch that bus. I don't feel like I could focus on my assignment, but I do feel motivated to work on it.

This sort of writing is so disjointed, but it helps. Any writing helps. I usually can't write this much. I'm getting psychomotor agitation. It's different from the inner agitation, but it can go along with it. I'm feeling both. I don't know what to do with myself. I thought all this would end when I was off the medication. It hasn't. I guess I gelt this way before abilify, too. And I wasn't on much else then. I was almost weaned off effexor. I don't know what started all this. I thought it was the effexor making me agitated, and it stopped for a while when I managed to lower the dose. But then it started again, and it got worse on abilify. Maybe it was a bit better on risperidone, but I didn't take it for long enough to know. Now I'm just back to how I was before abilify. I can't read for extended periods. I used to be able to. I can read, but it's multiple things at a time. It's hard to focus on reading articles for my assignments.

I hope I don't get depressed again any time soon. I might like to be free from agitation, but depression is just so dull. Not normal dull, depressingly dull. It's like a heaviness in the air. It's like having sensory deprivation, or hearing the same tone constantly.