apprehension

I'm about to go to the psychiatrist. I hope I get something good out of it, like a referral, and some better medication options (even no medication would be good). I know I have to be realistic about medications, but I struggle with being on them when I don't even know what's wrong with me. Abilify gives me energy and that's about the only good thing. I could get more energy by sticking to a schedule, which I think I should do anyway. I'm already in the habit of waking up early, now. Abilify may have corrected my sleep problems, but then it created more. I woke up at 1am yesterday. I was agitated so I stayed up. It makes me feel so awake, so aware. Aware of every emotion, aware of sounds that might be someone breaking into my house (this has happened to me before, without the help of drugs, but I hadn't experienced it in a while).

Having energy is so good, being agitated is so crap. I think that you can't have one without the other when medication is involved. You can have energy and still be calm, which is ideal. I just want to feel like myself, which I do more so today after not taking abilify.

What if it's also really improving my mood? I almost forgot about how depressed I was before. Well, right before I started abilify I wasn't exactly depressed. I was already a bit agitated. My thoughts were racing and I had more energy. That was one of the things abilify was supposed to help with, but it's made it worse. Sure, I'm not depressed, but I go through so many intense and overwhelming emotions in a day. I've started to use the DBT technique of recognising my emotions without being judgemental. As soon as I feel sad or empty I usually automatically think that I'm slipping into depression. I've realised that's not always the case. It's just an emotion, and I have them a lot. They may be very intense, but that doesn't mean they will last forever. It's a big deal for me to realise this.

Anyway, I think that abilify will be exceptional when it comes to preventing depressive episodes. I would like to go on a lower dose, though. Hopefully then my anxiety and agitation won't be any worse than usual. I feel quite good this morning, and I didn't have abilify yesterday, so maybe the lower levels still do something good.

I'm trying not to think about this medication and black-and-white terms. Abilify is grey, just like everything else. It has good and bad effects on me. I'm supposed to weigh these up, with the help of the doctor.

If the abilify helps me to improve, then that is the most important thing. I'll improve with more energy and less depression, but I'll also be hindered by increased agitation and anxiety, plus the lack of sleep does not help. I don't want to be given seroquel to help me sleep. I have no trouble falling asleep, anyway. I don't want someting that will help me stay asleep, because then I will be sleepy all day, and that will cancel out the good things about abilify as well as the bad things. Or, I could always try. I guess I can't judge a medication until I try it.

I still want to try lamotrigine. It might actually help reduce the agitation. I think it's been months now that I've been feeling agitated. It's not just a transient thing. I haven't sat down and read or watched tv for a long time (or if I try, I feel too restless or get distracted). It's horrible not being able to switch off. It's great that I'm motivated to go to the gym, but I can't be at the gym all the time. I can't be doing things all the time, I need to be able to relax.

I hope this blog will give me some insight and help me along the way. I come up with things that I wouldn't if I were just ruminating. Rumination just leads to repetitive thoughts, anyway. Once I've written something down I'm less likely to write it again, so at least I come up with stuff that's different. I've been doing a stream of consciousness sort of thing, just writing what comes into my head. Hence the writing seems disjointed and abrupt. That's okay, though, I'm not writing a book.

Okay, it's time to go get on the bus.