Another D Word

I forgot one: disarray. Although, I don't know if it describes depression or my life in general. Yes, I think I must have BPD. It will be hard to find out if do. I can't wait for my assessment. I want to know what's wrong with me, and I want to know now. Every doctor has a different theory about what my problem is. "Depression is a vicious cycle, you just have to break the cycle", "people who have had these problems for a long time often don't respond to antidepressants, but a tiny dose of effexor might make you feel better", "effexor is one of the best medications for depression", "people who have similar problems to you often don't respond to antidepressants or mood stabilisers; you are more unstable than someone with bipolar; diagnosis isn't important; here, have some abilify."

I'm quite sick of these wishy-washy theories. There are good reasons for diagnoses, and doctors know this. They could just admit that they don't know exactly what my problem is. Why are they all so sure of themselves, yet they all think different things?

So, the last doctor I saw suggested (indirectly) borderline personality disorder. Subsequently I've done my research. I knew what he meant when he became interested in my childhood and self harm, asked me if people take advantage of me, and suggested that my moods are more unstable than someone with bipolar. I confronted the idea and he said that it's a possibility, but of course diagnosis isn't important. After all this research I've decided that, either way, DBT seems like a really good option for me. If I don't have BPD, I definitely have borderline tendencies:

1. Frantically avoiding abandonment. Definitely. I could even be considered a stalker. I sometimes can't handle being alone, I can be needy and clingy, and desperately try to get people to stay with me.

2. My problem is idealisation. Devaluation happens, but it's not as intense. I don't suddenly hate someone, I might just become indifferent of feel extremely hurt. I've had some pretty bad relationships with friends and boyfriends and flings. By bad I mean up and down, crazy relationships. Maybe a couple of them were borderline themselves. I do tend to think of things as all good or all bad (including people), but generally my relationships are pretty stable. I just feel hurt very easily.

I guess there have been 3 crazy relationships. The first was my high school boyfriend. I kept going from liking him to hating him, I started fights for no reason to test him, I was jealous for no reason. I wanted out so I started a fight and he dumped me, but then I was devastated and begged him to take me back. He was not my type at all. I didn't want him when I was with him, and then when he dumped me I wanted him back for months. Sigh.

The next one was my best friend in year 11 and 12. Maybe she was the crazy one, I don't know. It was intense, more like a romantic relationship than a friendship. I won't even bother going into it now, but it was a roller coaster friendship, which I ended abruptly when she pissed me off one time too many.

The last one was a short, intense fling. In the few days we were together I went through extremes of obsession and indifference. He apparently went through the same thing and dumped me. Similar situation to my high school boyfriend. I stalked him over the internet and begged him not to leave me. Wow, talk about a lesson in how pathetic I am.

- Unstable self-image and sense of self. Most definitely. I have tried to base my personality on other people's for most of my life. I have basically tried to be someone else - using different friends as the mould, whoever I was idealising at the time. I act differently around different people. I don't know who I am at all, and sometimes I don't even recognise my face in the mirror. My life plans are chaotic and always changing.

- Implsivity in all areas except reckless driving, because I have never driven a car. Drinking, drugs, casual sex, food (bingeing/purging), spending. I always act on impulse. In fact, planning doesn't come into my life much at all. I don't like committing to things and I find it hard to carry out plans. I basically rely on impulse. It makes it difficult to get anything done in life.

- Self harm, suicidal thoughts.

- Mood instability. Intense emotions lasting a few hours. I get intense sadness, anxiety, and sometimes joy and excitement. Other emotions are jealousy and guilt. The moods are not supposed to last more than a few days, but I guess the depression could be a separate thing.

- Feeling chronically empty. I always feel like something is missing, but I don't know what. I often see life as being essentially meaningless. Intractalbe boredom can be a big problem. I see other people as being empty too, sometimes, because their lives don't have any meaning either. I sometimes feel such a void inside of me that I try to fill it by doing the impulsive things outlined above.

- Angry outbursts. Most of my anger is internal. I can be very irritable, though. I'm never aggressive, and I avoid conflict at all costs. I bottle up anger, or I take it out on myself, or I rage in private. I also get frustrated extremely easily, which can cause a mini rage.

- Stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or dissociation. I do get paranoid quite a bit. No one has ever told me that I'm delusional, but I do think some pretty warped things sometimes. I have experienced dissociation before, usually when I'm listening to a fight. It's hard to tell because dissociation can involve memory loss, and I do have some strange memory gaps. I've also experienced derealisation and depersonalisation. When I was younger, sometimes I would wake up in the morning and have to remind myself of who I was and what my current situation was. It wasn't that I'd forgotten, I just felt very strange.