agitation

Agitation and depression. The two most horrible things. When they occur together, it's most horrible. Agitation is like having a lot of energy, but in a bad way. It's the reason I'm writing and not reading or watching tv or doing something else relaxing. Maybe having energy is good when it's energy that can be put to good use (because you can still focus on things) and when it's energy that can be exhausted. It's also not just having the energy to do things, it's a constant pressure to do things. It comes from inside. I don't necessarily want to do anything but I have to. I have energy in my head but I can't so much with it because I can't focus. I can't sit down and focus on one thing for too long. It makes it hard to read a book or work on assignments.

In this state I think that I would rather be depressed, but of course I would think that now.

I thought the agitation was caused by medication, but obviously not.

In the past I've had a lot of energy, but it felt good. I felt driven to do things, but I also wanted to do things. I think "yeah, I was doing so well in 2007". It was the year before I became severely depressed. I was so HAPPY. I had so many friends, and oh how I loved my friends. I worked, I partied all the time, I exercised so much at the gym. I was just so freakin happy. I thought everyone loved me. I didn't bother with things like studying. I didn't get depressed after a night of heavy drinking. Having a hangover was just a relaxing day. Drinking was an ecstatic experience. So was dancing. When I went out dancing I could picture myself doing it forever. It seemed like the most important thing in the world. I felt attractive, alive, charismatic. All this is actually very unlike me. I change a lot, I guess. I miss that person, though. I miss being like that. I thought things would be that way again. I just miss feeling that way. I was on top of the world.

Was this some sort of pathology? Was I actually hypomanic, instead of being a normal, outgoing woman in her early 20s? Normal... no. Not normal for me. Maybe normal in that I've experienced these shifts in my social functioning before. Am I shy or am I that outgoing, confident, social, talkative person?

I remember feeling high sometimes, as if I had taken ecstasy. I didn't need drugs to get high. I just needed some music, some people and some booze. I've been chasing that high. I still go out dancing sometimes, and I wonder what happened to my high. It's not that I'm depressed, I just can't believe the huge shift in my experience. Of course, I'm older now. These things get less fun.

So maybe agitation is just energy without the high. Anyway, it sucks. But everything shifts, nothing stays the same. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel normal and subdued. Or maybe I'll have positive energy and try to write a book. I'm just so glad I'm off the abilify and I don't have to put up with that level of agitation and anxiety. I feel so much better now. No drugs. I'm supposed to take risperidone tonight.

Why am I being prescribed these drugs? I really don't understand. Maybe the doctor has some theories he's not telling me about, or maybe he just likes these drugs a lot. I certainly don't think that people are usually prescribed antipsychotics because they have anxiety. At least he didn't put me on another antidepressant. Well, which is worse? I don't know. I don't want to take anything, I don't want side effects on top of symptoms. It's too hard to know what the drug is doing to me. I feel so much clearer without any drugs.

Hmmm... risperidone. Should I try it? Just so I can say I did? It will just knock me out and make me feel weird. How can I possibly believe that it could be any different?