stuff

http://imbound.blogspot.com/2004/12/help.html

A very illuminating blog post. I can see myself being diagnosed as borderline, being put on more antipsychotics, and never really understanding what goes on in my head. This might not be what would happen. If I was diagnosed with BPD, I'd get to go to the centre for psychotherapy and be in a really good program. But, I have to be currently self harming to get into the program. I'm not going to self harm just so I can get in! That's the thing, I don't self harm much at all. So really, I'd be left with seeing some psychologist once every 3 weeks and trying to convince the psychiatrist to put me on something other than antipsychotics.

Right now I'm thinking, how could I possibly be borderline when on a day like today I am completely fine? Not elated, irritable, depressed, sad, lonely, empty, or even agitated. There are plenty of things I could feel crap about. I go through quite long periods of doing really well, and being completely stable.

I will definitely not accept a diagnsosis that I don't agree with. There are a few options for if it comes to it and I need a second opinion, most of which are in sydney and cost more money: the good mood clinic, the black dog insitute, insight psychology, the hills clinic, the lawson clinic, wesley hospital.

All of these would need a GP referral for the medicare rebate, but I could call and ask them all how long the waiting list is and then decide which one to go with.

There are also more psychologists in newcastle. There are 3 places I can call that use medicare. I'm just going to have to be persistent in finding the right treatment.

I think that for some periods of time I fit the diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder, but it's not a constant in my life. I can sometimes relax and forget my troubles.

I'm worried about uni and whether I should drop the cognitive psych course. I just really haven't done enough, and it's the end of semester. I don't think I really have the time now to do everything I need to pass this course. It's difficult, because it's the last course I need to finish my first degree. I just need to be realistic about it, though. Could I complete an assignment and study for the exam in 3 weeks, as well as do the assignment and study for abnormal psych? Maybe. I just don't know! And I'm worried about what will happen if I don't complete the course. It will be another time I'm failing, and another opportunity missed to finish this degree. I have had such a hard time, though, and it's been such a struggle. I've been going through depression, anxiety, agitation and med changes. I haven't had any consistent treatment at all. If I don't have this degree I don't mind so much, I guess it's more about what other people will think. People will think I have failed yet again. Or maybe not, maybe they will understand that I've been having a hard time. Maybe it doesn't matter as much as I think it does, since it is my life and everything. I'm living completely independently, so I don't exactly need to rely on other people, so what they think shouldn't really matter.

I guess I always worry that everything will fall apart if things don't go to plan. Maybe it was unrealistic to try to do more than one subject in the first place. I knew I was in a bad place. Going back to uni was a good way to get me out of depression, but too much is too much. Maybe not much for someone else is too much for me right now.

So, what if I drop the course? What if I won't be graduating soon? Maybe I shouldn't focus so much on the what ifs. Or the shoulds, for that matter. I could just take it as it comes. I could focus on completing the abnormal psych course, and doing well. I've already got an HD for the first assignment, imagine if I did really well overall in the course? I suspect I will since I already know so much from my own research. If I can just focus on the one course I could do so much better. I have plenty of time to complete other courses.

So, looking at this non-judgementally, I started off doing 3 courses, stuff got in the way, and I ended up completing one course. That's not really so bad.

Things happen. Most of the time they are neither all good nor all bad. This is a good thing for me to learn, I think.

career goals

I had such a good lecture today, for abnormal psych. A woman from the centre for psychotherapy came along to give the lecture on eating disorders. First she told us about how when she was studying for her psychology degree she was told her marks weren't good enough to get into honours. She said that she always knew she wanted to work with people, she just didn't know how. She did her masters and then has been working with people with eating disorders ever since. She said that you don't need to do psychology to become a counsellor, but it helps to get jobs, and that it's a good idea to do some volunteering. She now has her dream job. She really inspired me, and I realised that my dream job is to be helping people with mental health problems. I feel a lot better about my career goals now. She recommended becoming a lifeline counsellor, so I'm going to do the training course and see how it goes.

I got 85 for my essay, the one I was having panic attacks over. I feel ambivalent. I was excited and happy, but also confused and somehow dissappointed. I still got some very critical comments, which of course they do because psychology students have to write a lot of essays, and feedback is good. I still keep thinking that they must have made a mistake with the mark. It also said that I had 0% plagiarism (or "similarity" as they call it now). I didn't even think this was possible, but maybe they take out all the references before they calculate it. I should be so proud! But I doubt myself even more. Or, should I say, I doubt the marks they gave me. Both the mark and the similarity score are not what I expected. I was expecting a credit, and an okay similarity score. Seriously, how did I get an HD? Is it for real? I couldn't believe it when I saw the mark, I had to keep checking to make sure it wasn't just a random number.

Maybe I feel bad because I'm worried that it actually was a mistake and they will take it back. I just checked again, and the mark was still 85. The good parts of the essay must have balanced out the less good parts, I suppose. I only did really well in one section of the essay, but I guess that I had to have lost 15% of the marks somewhere.

I hate how impersonal it is, getting your essay back through turnitin. They even have "G" and "Exc" next to bits of the essay, instead of comments that were more obviously written by a real person. Arrgh, I'm just going to send myself crazy over this. Think about it, only 16% of people got an HD, and I was one of them, even though I was going through extreme anxiety because of abilify. My high school physics teacher always told me that I could do so well if I just applied myself. Teachers always say that, but maybe he was right. Maybe I will go and apply myself to the next assignment.

Oh, the other good thing from the lecture today. I learnt that you should eat every couple of hours to reduce bingeing. If you don't eat regularly enough, if you let yourself get really hungry, you actually get more emotional, and those emotions can lead to a binge. I sort of knew that already, but I thought that 3 meals a day was enough. It does make sense, though. Something I read about treatment for bulimia involved getting the patient to gradually increase to eating 5 times a day! I think that doing this would really help me overcome my guilt towards eating, as well.

How can I be so sure....

...that I want to be a psychologist? There are many other things I could do, and when I think of that it scares me.

I don't really know who I am or what I'm into. Maybe I would like to do photography, learn a language, be a philosopher, be a perpetual student, get a job (any job), conduct research, help people, write, become an accountant or a cook. Or maybe I could own a cattery.

I guess it boils down to black-and-white thinking. I'm neither black nor white in any dimension. I could do many things, but eventually I will be doing something as a job.

There are a few reasons I really want to be a psychologist:
1. There seems to be a lot of work out there for psychologists.
2. I want to help people.
3. Other jobs would be boring and unfulfilling e.g. being an accountant, working for a bank.
4. I want a job that suits my personality.
5. Career tests say that I should have a job helping people.
6. Psychology is what I'm most interested in.
7. I particularly want to help people who have the same problems that I've been through.
8. I think I might be good at it.
9. It's well paying.
10. I'm probably not suited to a lot of other jobs that might interest me.
11. I want the option to work for myself or to work part time.
12. I really enjoy talking to people and helping them with their problems.

Now that I'm at the point in my life when I can finally see something ahead of me, I think commitment is the key. I would love to continue studying different things and fantasising about all the things I could do, but at some point I need a stable job. Being a psychologist would be an awesome job, and I know that there will always be work.

To make sure I really can handle helping people who have a lot of problems, I think volunteering is a good idea. Also, I want to try working as a carer for disabled people. If I hate it, then at least I'll find that out.