The observant mind...

Here I'm going to practise being oberservant, not evaluative...

I'm lying on my stomach, diagonally across my bed. It's a double bed, and the covers have slipped off the corner. I have three pillows around me, one with a sea theme, a green one and one that I can't see. The walls are white, and in the corner where they meet there is a quarter cylinder. One wall is painted brick. The other is smooth, but has some dents and smudges. The fan heater is behind me, switched off. The blanket is squashed up at the bottom of the bed. I'm wearing socks, pyjama pants and a jumper. The jumper is black and has a hood. The pyjama pants are blue with pictures of red hummers.

ok, I think that's enough for now. I have to say there's something relaxing about observing without judgement. I tried some "autogenic" relaxation earlier as well. I haven't used relaxation techniques in a while. They used to help; I especially liked taking a hot bath and gazing at a candle. It's hard to remember to try these things when under emotional distress. I might make a list of things I can try:

guided relaxation
hot or cold shower
gazing at a candle
write - describe my surroundings
practise doing something mindfully e.g. brushing teeth
pay attention to my breathing
write - describe a more complex situation without evaluating it

I might try the last one now...

Today I had breakfast at APK. We sat down, read the menus, ordered and an hour later we got our food. The breakfast pizza had tomato sauce, cubes of bacon and cheese. In the centre were mushrooms and on top were two fried eggs. The yolk was bright yellow. I ate about 2/3 of the meal. My coffee was in a mug, and had chocolate powder on top. There was a small, light brown hair on top of the pizza. There were about 5 full tables when we got there, and about 10 when we left. There was one waitress. She had pimples on her cheeks, covered with makeup. She walked past us about once every 30 seconds. There was a salt shaker on our table, with a few grains of rice in it. There was no sugar or pepper. There was a breakfast menu on our table with a drinks menu on the back. I took a menu from another table which had more drinks on it. Milkshakes were $5.50 and thickshakes were $6.50. I ordered a thickshake. I got a tall metal milkshake cup with a frothy brown liquid in it. It was a mixture of milk, ice cream and chocolate syrup. I asked the waitress to put more ice cream in it for me. I got another tall metal milkshake cup with frothy brown liquid in it. It was a combination of milk, ice cream and chocolate syrup. The total cost of two breakfasts, two thickshakes and a coffee was $48.

ok, enough of that. I think I managed to write observantly, which made it hard to express my disgust at the service. It's good in that it doesn't evoke any emotional response, which makes me feel quite calm. I was horrendously depressed after breakfast because I'd had to part with almost $50 for a pretty crap experience. I even decided to never go to a cafe again.

So, it's been quite a progression of emotions today. Started out happy, relaxed. Shifted to very depressed after breakfast. Then very anxious after seeing a friend. Then depressed and anxious. Then back to just plain depressed. Now, I'm more relaxed and content. This may be why I've always had trouble trying to use a mood tracker. How can I possibly rate my mood on a number scale when there are so many more dimensions to my mood?

the spectrum of polar bears

:) :) :) this is not how happy I feel, but maybe looking at the smiley icons can calm me down a little. Like the theory that smiling can actually make you feel happier.

I should probably start tracking my moods. Maybe I can use white polar bears and black polar bears. Today I'd give myself one black polar bear. Maybe two. I don't want to kill myself today. I'm thinking about the future, even if apprehensively so. It's more the anxiety getting me down today, so maybe I should use separate scales for depression, elation and anxiety. I could throw in another one for suicidality. Agitation vs retardation. Sleep time and quality. Alcohol, caffeine cigarettes. I could record my entire life. I'm an all-or-nothing person, and the all seems too extreme, too much to go through every single day. I need to find an easy way to record the important things. I don't do well with number scales. How do you choose a number? Choosing is even harder when depressed! I can spend hours trying to decide whether or not I'm going to buy a newspaper that costs a dollar, so how can I choose between 3, 5, or even 10 numbers? A graphic or verbal representation might work better. A verbal scale could be something like: crappy, double crappy, death wish. The polar bears thing could be the graphic representation of my mood. Either way, I'm using a 3-point scale which can be conveniently converted to a number.

So, today I feel crappy. But this morning I felt fine. Ish. Fine-ish. Verbal scale for elation: fine-ish, fine, happy. I don't know if I ever get past "happy", but I do get overexcited, sometimes restless. Let's call fine-ish the midline of my mood range, neither depressed nor elated. The elation scale can then be fine, happy, awesome.

So, when I woke up at 11am I was fine-ish, now, at 3pm I feel crappy.

Anxious, double anxious, or freaking out? I'd say anxious. Just a feeling floating around my mind that I have things to worry about.

Agitation? yes (in the form of jiggling feet and legs, nail biting). Tired? yes. Mentally or physically slowed? no.

Sleep? 10 hours or so. I didn't have too much trouble falling or staying asleep.

There! I did it. I recorded the important information about my mood state today.

on a more serious note...

As the name suggests, this blog is about the experiences of a mental health consumer. I find the term interesting. We are no longer called patients. I suppose this is supposed to reduce stigma, and it does make sense. After all, I would love to consume all the mental health that I possibly can. After struggling with my mind for so long, I've come to accept that there is no quick fix or magic cure for the problems I have. I've been told this many times, but I never really accepted it. I always thought that with the "right" treatment, I would get better. I thought that I shouldn't have to deal with these problems. It's not surprising that I thought these things. We're told that antidepressants "work". We're told that people with depression get better with treatment. Maybe that is true for some people. However, antidepressants don't work in the way we're told they do. It is still unclear how they "work", and whether they have any antidepressant effect other than the placebo effect. For me, they have made no noticeable difference to my life.

So, I continue to cycle in and out of depression. I fell back in hard a few days ago. It's amazing how it takes over my mind. One day I have friends, goals, hobbies, whatever else a normal person has to live for. The next day I'm alone with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Plus, no future in which I might have such things. It's very real. There is no point to anything. I desperately need a friend but I can't connect with anyone. I desperately want help but I can't find a way to communicate what I need, whatever that is. I wonder how I ever enjoyed simple things like reading or watching a movie. I can't get involved or engaged in things. What am I doing with my life? Oh, that's right, I want to study psychology. But why? What is the point? There's no point, I won't get any enjoyment from that at all. Where will it lead? More study, eventually getting a job, so I can afford to live. Ah, but why live? Most people want a job that is fulfilling. So do I, but how do you get this fulfillment when you're depressed?

Ok, so all this seems very real when I'm depressed. But do I truly believe all these things? I do, in the sense that I can't imagine any alternative, and it seems to me that these things will be true if I continue to be depressed. Certainly, a depressed person can't imagine not being depressed. What a pickle. If I could imagine my future undepressed self, I could still have goals and look forward to future enjoyment. I might even believe that yes, I do have friends, they are just not here right now.

So what do you do when you're so depressed that you can't do anything? I decided it was time to accept the fact that depression isn't going to go away like the common cold does (who was it that first came up with the ridiculous idea that depression is the "common cold" of mental illness??). I have to treat depression like a disability. It sounds depressing doesn't it? Yes. But apparently depression is the leading cause of disability in Australia. Which I've decided means that I can use disabled toilets. Probably not disabled parking spots though, since walking is good for depression, and I don't have a car anyway.

What do I do now that I've realised I'm disabled? I suppose I have to figure out what my limitations are. It also might be good to follow a proper treatment plan for my illness. Here's a list of things I've heard are good for depressed people, plus some that I thought of myself (go me!) :

- uhh... exercise... (yeah they keep going on about this one, I'll have to find something that doesn't make me want to kill myself even more)
- alcohol (oops, I mean no alcohol. damn.)
- setting daily schedules (I never thought I would actually do this... but I really might have to)
- cleaning
- cooking healthy food
- writing/blogging
- listening to music
- keeping in touch with friends
- keeping a mood diary
- sticking to my medication schedule
- keeping appointments with doctors and therapists
- organising my finances
- volunteering
- having my own space, and time to myself
- showering (yes, showering)
- sticking to a sleep schedule
- getting out of bed/dressed/out of the house before a certain time
- making plans to do.... things... that are fun
- remind myself of things I enjoy doing when not depressed, and keep doing them
- get as much support as possible from other people
- setting and achieving small goals
- telling people what I need/asking for help
- self-soothing activities (music definitely works, but I suppose candles and bubble baths are good too. I'm not willing to touch my bath, so long hot showers will have to do)
- meditation/breathing exercises

So there. Good night.